Leagues - Running v. Everything you believe in

Here I am, the night before we leave to go to the West Regional / NCAA Qualifier, a near 2 weeks after our league championship, writing about it.

The truth is I didn't know what to say. We won. There. The End. My personal life had taken a hit, and I just didn't care about running for a moment.

For a moment.


Turn back the clock to Thursday, October 28th, a few minutes before midnight. I'm walking my girlfriend of going on 2 1/2 years back to her apartment. On the way, we're having a conversation about our intrinsic values, and where they came from. We get to her apartment, and the conversation is becoming...odd. There's no yelling, no fighting. It is just odd. I can't place it. I don't know what's going on, I just know something is wrong.

2 hours later. 2 am. I'm on the long, lonely longboard ride back south to my lonely single, to spend a lonely night with her words reverberating in my ears. "It's not you, really. It has nothing to do with you. I just need to figure stuff out. Alone."

I'm shattered. Completely worn out. And lonely. Oh god lonely.

There's no chance of sleep. I fuck around on some political blogs, and before I know it it's 6am. I'm late for practice. I haven't slept in 36 hours.

I go through the 40min pre-meet run like a dream. A few teammates see the far off sadness, and try and help. They pass like mist.

It's Friday night. I've been up for almost 2 days. My biological systems simply shut down at 1am. They can't stay awake any longer.

5 hours later my alarm goes off. I have 3 hours to get my shit together before my race starts. The race that will determine my post season, my regionals bid. My nationals bid.

I look down to see if my toes are on the line. Fuck this I don't care. I could get last, I don't give two shits. I'm just going to cruise. I don't even LIKE cross country. This is fucking stupid.

I pass the mile in 5:25. I haven't gone out that slow since sophomore year in HS. I'm in 50th place. God knows what place I am on the team.

I pass 5k in 17:00. I haven't run that slow since junior year of HS. Whatever. I'm about 30th place. Still dunno team.

I get to 4miles, and people are dropping like flies. I just go around them. Not speeding up, not slowing down. Just floating. I pass 4.5. I finish. 15th place, 7th team, all conference.

I don't exactly know how it happened. I just want to sleep.

Dear god I just want to sleep.



I trained, I threw up. I came back. I killed my body. I failed a test.



5 Months.


Where did this body get me?

The ability to just cruise. To do what I needed to, to pick up the slack for a broken mind.

Some people say that it's mind over matter. That without a stronghold, barrier, or a mother fucking steel trap for a mind, that you wont be able to do anything.

I just ran 27:15 on a fairly difficult course without a mind.

Not a great time, but it could've been worse.

Tomorrow, I head to the West Regional. To Run. To be All West-Region.

And this time, when my body breaks, my mind will be there to carry it.

To Nationals.