Monday, May 12, 2014

Memorial Quinn Day

As a joke, my teammates have started a "Memorial Quinn Day" party back at the alma mater which is another college excuse to party, with the side benefit of having my face plastered everywhere.  Hurray.

But sorry guys, because with my first update in months, I'm hijacking the day to waste an hour at work by compiling my thoughts over this transition in my running life/career.

After I graduated, I was pretty down on running. My senior year was the first year I failed to PR, in either XC or Track, in my 9-year tenure. I think I went into the woe ad nauseam in previous posts so I won't rehash it here.

I slowly got back into some semi regular miles in Denver before I moved out to Ann Arbor for a new gig, but nothing that could constitute as actual 'training' in the way we define it. Sure I can still rip a quick workout here or there, but I can't do it consistently, and as anyone who has done hard training knows, individual efforts are typically worthwhile, but without consistency they can quickly become worthless.

A few weeks before leaving Denver, it was the middle of January winter and I went out for what would become my coldest run I'd ever done. A 5 degree afternoon took a quick hit very early in my run, and dropped quickly to -5 before I was finished. My run that followed a nearly-iced-over river through downtown that was typically alive with joggers, bikers, families out for walks, and college kids doing a myriad of nameless activities was empty. Not 'pretty empty,' but empty.

4 miles later I was still cold as shit, and nearing my turnaround point. Still no one. Still cold as shit, and getting colder. The air burns your lungs, and I was questioning, as I had for the previous 6 months, why I was out there. One or two minutes before I hit my turnaround, a flock of nearly a thousand geese flew down to rest on the river and get a drink before continuing on their trip. Obviously a migration stop, I came to my turnaround point and just stood there, in the blistering cold, watching hundreds upon hundreds of unfamiliar birds crash into the ice, into each other, some landing in water, some sliding across the frozen wakes like gigantic, stupid marbles with horns for voices.

It was simultaneously hilarious, beautiful, and sad. There was no one else around for miles, as I had taken a path leading directly away from the city toward the train shipping district.

I don't know exactly what about this scene had such a deep impact on me, and thinking back I can't articulate it to a satisfying degree. Maybe it was the thought that without running and exploring 9 or 10 miles every day opens you up to these sorts of opportunities, maybe it was the feeling that I alone was out there in the January freeze, putting in semi-solid miles for no particular reason, training for nothing in particular. The feeling that my passive drive was stronger than innumerable others active ones in the area, regardless of the fact that there's no way to verify whether or not that was true, especially in one stupid run for one stupid hour of the frozen day. But I felt it anyway. Maybe it was just as simple as appreciating nature. I don't know.

But it had a big impact on me, so that for the days, weeks, and months that followed I started to train more regularly.

On this week, when Memorial Quinn Day started popping up on my facebook newsfeed like a drunk Celtics fan with access to LeBron James' twitter (looking at you, Rafer), I sit here thinking about the memorial of my running, and whether or not I want to hang up the spikes totally, because I clearly don't.

I have been focused on speed skating like I have talked about earlier, but I'm still a complete novice after a few lessons here and there. It will take time, and I am not giving up that easily. But while I grapple with this new sport, I think I can continue to train for running pretty intensely without sacrificing much. The races are short and fast, and if I look to combine 800-1500m training with some catered lifting, perhaps I can get to new heights that I previously hadn't tried before. Who knows.

It may be Memorial Quinn Day, but while I am no longer an actively-competing CMS Stag, my career isn't at a point where I can let it go, and in that recognition comes the same feeling I had on that frozen day in Denver, turning around to run home, alone.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Post-Collegiate

Israel, the various nations of western Europe, and a smattering of half a dozen States across the country on a trip that looks like a paint brush flicked at a map, I am finally settled down in Denver for a two-year stint with CoPIRG, a public advocacy non-profit, as a lobbyist for energy efficiency with a grassroots base.

The hours are fine, typically 8:30-5:30, but about once a week there's some press event, meeting, student outreach, or recruitment work that has me put in a 14 hour day or so. But most of that is made up of either long meetings or traveling around to the far corners of the State, so it's less work than just time to kill.

As I get back into shape, I have a few options around me. Amazingly, my apartment is literally across the street from the cherry creek trail, a 50+ mile path that wraps around Denver, following a river that the city was founded by. My apartment also has a pretty nice gym, which I've experimented with a few times to see how much weight I can put up after not lifting since...well, ever really. Turns out not that much. Surprise surprise.

By doing a lot of walking around while traveling I never really got to the point where I couldn't do any single run or workout that I was doing when I was in peak shape, I just can't do them consistently. I learned that the hard way, as I put in a track and tempo workout followed by lifting weights for muscles I previously didn't know I had - and promptly getting injured.

First, it was a shoulder. Then, I strained both calves trying to run 62s 400s after doing shit-all for three or four months. Now, it's my right hip flexor. Learning from my mistakes after making them three times over, I've decided that while it may not seem to me that 40 or 45 miles in the first few weeks is all that much, it's all I can do without re-injuring myself. So, the stationary bike it is and has been for a week or so now.

My hip flexor wasn't bothering me these last two days so I took a chance and did a moderate 7 miler tonight. It held up alright, starting to bother me a little after 30 minutes and really nipping at me with each stride in the last few minutes. It feels like a stubborn steel rod, refusing to give up and just bend as my leg gyroscopes around it like a nail caught in the in between two gears.


I'm thinking about taking a running hiatus. Just as soon as I get back into shape.


Now bear with me. I'm thinking I want to get into long-track speed skating. I'm 5280 feet up in a city built on winter sports and I have fat quads and a thin upper body. It might work. Also probably less competitive than running, so thats a benefit, albeit a selfish one.

And if it doesn't work out, well, I always have my running. My second home.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Collective Triumphs and Personal Failures

It's 85 degrees with 90% humidity on the boardwalk in Tel Aviv, Israel at 10 o'clock at night. I'm 40 minutes into a 50 minute run, my first run in 6 weeks since I donned my college uniform for the last time.

The boardwalk is brilliant. It zigzags up the coastline, either extending its limbs into the Mediterranean sea itself, or coming back and forming a sea-wall against sections with stronger current. Ingeniously, the city uses green lights for their lighthouses, and as the head spins the already-green water gets lit a magnificent emerald color as the tide swells crash violently into sea wall, exploding what looks like thousands of gem stones of five feet or so over my head as I plod along the waters edge. I thought that the occasional spray would cool me down in this abysmally hot night, but the water is just so warm that I'm not sure if it's helping me or just adding salt to my sweat. Like sweat needs any more salt.

I'm wrapping up a 5 week journey that has taken me from Israel, to Germany, Austria, Italy, France, Spain, Holland, England, and back to Israel again. After a frantic run up to graduation, the time away is something I needed. But this blog is about my running, and I'll explain it through that lens.

Coming into the season, my sights were singularly focused on making NCAAs in the 1500m. I needed to shave 3 seconds, and I pulled back on mileage and increased the tempos and light speed work over winter, which was the balance I thought I needed to fix what was off last season. It started off great with a solid opening 800m in the first week of February, and a 3:05.0 1200m leg on our school-record DMR two weeks later. Unfortunately, a tweak during a workout led to chronic achilles pain and I was sidelined for a couple weeks, relegated to the pool. No worries, I swam relatively competitively most of my life, and can put together really nice workouts in the pool, so that's what I did.

The miscalculations started there, alone in a pool with no guidance or restraints, where the loss of running work led me to believe that I needed to work double time to make up ground that I had lost, or was actively losing. I would do one tough workout, akin to something like 12x400m @ goal 1500m pace (aka 12x100y free) w/ 90s rest. Then, I would cool down, stretch, then hop back in for some sprint work, akin to something like 10x200m all-out (aka 10x50y free) with 60s recovery. It was the pool! There's no pounding to grind down your joints and muscles, and so you can work harder than you can while training on dry land.

I spent two weeks coming up with creative ways to destroy my body over the hours and miles in that lonely pool. Coming out the minute my achilles could handle it (definitely too early, but managing the pain to the point of stasis), I walked right into one of the hardest training periods of the season.

My first race back after that week was 1500m where no one had run under 3:58, where my coaches and I decided would be a good test effort to see how I was holding up. We hit straight 64s, and it was so easy, but I was sore and tired from three hard weeks of training, and when I hit the front (totally by natural movement, without even trying to make a run for it) with 200m to go, I had no gears to turn to. The 3:59 I ran was fine for the circumstances, and I wasn't all that discouraged. I really was tired.

The problem was, by this point in the season, I had about 3 more 1500m runs to get to nationals. To run 3:50 or 3:51. I had the perfect race last season to run 3:54, and I would need the perfect race again to run that time. I became obsessed with the splits, with hitting the workouts, with getting comfortable running 61-61.mid pace. The first race went out in 2:03, and I was right with the leaders as we rounded the best with 500m to go, before completely falling apart in the last lap, running a 66.

At conference championships, our stud runner blew the field apart with a 59 or 60s lap from 400-800m, a pace I didn't think the two runners who followed him could sustain, and I held back and tried to pick them back off over the second half of the race. They surprised me and held on very strongly, and I ran in no-mans land the whole way, finishing a very disappointing 4th in 4:00, essentially a solo effort from 400m out, trying desperately to pull in the kits that just never came an inch back.

The last 1500m went out in 2:05, and I was prepared to go after it the second half of the race, but lost concentration as the pack just didnt break up at all, and was fighting for position on the pole when I really just should have gone around the outside, and ended up being way off pace with 300m to go and simply could close in the required 54 seconds, obviously, over the last lap to hit the mark.

Knowing that my nationals dreams were snubbed out, I begged my coaches to let me have one last go at the 800m, because I hadn't run it seriously in two years, and I saw my PR as greatly undeserving my ability level. I didn't think I would run 1:51 but I was hoping for 1:53 or 1:52.high at best. That week during training, the plight of my achilles was coming back, wrenching pain shooting up my left leg higher and higher as I tried to taper and get comfortable with the fast pace of the 800m at the same time.

Slipping on my uniform for the last time, I was visibly unnerved. Cross country season saw no personal bests, but courses are different so that is forgivable. Tracks are all the same, and Southern California has but one season - 70+ and sunny - so conditions save wind are not a factor. I had no set a PR this season, and was desperate. The race went out in 55.high, and coming around the back stretch I moved up on the deep, fast field. Approaching the 600m mark a sliver under 1:24, I took a step to get around a fading runner before the bend.

I felt a seize. Two steps. A wrench. One step. A small pop.

I step off the track, my achilles on the verge of tearing viciously along the middle of my calf. It happened once before, albeit a very slight tear, when I was 14 and growing rapidly. I don't remember the circumstances exactly, but I remember the pain. And this pain was the same.

My season ended with my pounding my fists against the ground, dropping out of a race I was on pace to PR in, my last race, and failing to finish in a good time meant failing to improve for the first time in 9 years. Since I started running the 800m in 8th grad with a time of 2:14, I had PR'd in once event or another every single year. My sophomore year of high school I PR'd in just about every RACE I ran. And now, at my most experienced, in my last season, I had failed to do so.

At home after graduation, I watched my closest friends have outstanding performances at NCAAs. My roommates ran the 4x400m together, one of them getting All-American honors in the 400m. Two other teammates also were All-Americans in the 5k and Steeplechase respectively, with a slough of other teammates putting up great efforts in other events (including others int he 5k and Steeple). Me not being there did not make me any less proud of them, or our program.

CMS had finished the highest it had ever finished in XC on both the mens and womens side, and our mens track team had re-taken the SCIAC title for the first time since losing our 19-year winning streak after sophomore year. We were ranked one of (if the THE best) duel-meet team in the country, and the freshman, who I had been so worried about coming into the season, had put up times and marks better than our class in many ways at the same age, leaving me confident in the future of the program. Our success was their success, and visa versa.

But in the back of my mind, I was physically and mentally burned. Six weeks away from running let both of those wounds heal, and I turn to the next phase of my life - the working life - with a renewed body and a bitter mind. My past successes have always fueled my desire to improve, as the joys of winning and hitting marks I once never fathomed just made me want to experience those moments more often.

The pain of failure is a stronger motivation. While I'm a runner - and runners always think, always know they can do better, even after a fantastic run - I have always found saving graces in my seasons. Even when I was very anemic and almost had to get a blood transfusion to correct it, I turned to speed and found PRs in the both the 400m and the 800m, where previously I was focused on the 1600m and the 3200m.

But failure is, well, embarrassing. I found myself wanting to shake people scanning the results of our latest meet. Saying look, I'm not actually that slow. I just had a rough patch and went a little hard here, and took a misstep there, and really I can compete with anyone, I swear. But those excuses, always left unsaid, get harder and harder to really believe after a slough of shit performances, one after another.

I'm not going to really start training again until my job starts up in August, but I'll be in Denver, CO, the mile high city. At 5280 ft, what better place to find my talent? I'm spending two years at altitude, and eventually I'll be able to return to the Southern California tracks where I last remember failure, and instill new memories of success. Of that I have no doubt.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Achilles Issues

Since that race in February, I've been struggling with some achilles issues that have steadily gotten worse and worse. At first I did the typical recovery stuff and that slowed it down and I thought it would get better. Then I had to start doing the elliptical on our normal base run days, and run the workouts. But, alas, it hit a peak last week when I limped by way to an abysmal 4:02 in the 1500m. Literally limped.

So, I took last week off of running (which was convenient because it was Spring break) and swam 2-3000 yards in the pool everyday.

Luckily, I'm a fairly proficient swimmer. Swam in high school and clocked a 22.9 50y free on a split, and low 50s in the 100y free from a start as well, so I'm not totally inept. It was just enough to be able to absolutely trash my body every day for a little over a week in the pool, while working aggressively on my achilles to try and get it better.

I ran in a meet last weekend. A little po-dunk quad meet with a few schools close by. I was in the 800m, and was running against a field I was more than capable of beating. But I was tired. Very tired. I tried to not think about it, and truth be told I was confident on the line. But after about 250m I knew it was going to be a grind. I was slipping backwards fast as I went through in 57.5, which was not a good sign. With 200m to go I was 5m off the pace and in 6th. Coming around the bend I recognized the runner who had just slipped past me, and I just fixed my eyes on him and pumped my arms and drove through the line to get up for 3rd past some dying guys (literally) in the last 5m.

That 1:57 was a second slower than I had run over a month ago. Tired, heavy, and having run my first steps in over a week on the warmup that morning, I was at my worst. I don't know if 1:57 on my worst day is a good thing or a bad thing, but it's the reality.

Next week I'm running against a much more quality field in the 1500m. I'll get back on my feet and see what these legs are capable of. Still a lot of season to go yet.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Last Hurrah

Track season is well underway down here in Southern California, and putting aside from job hunting, thesis, classes, and my research institute job, I try to find that calm bliss embodied in track spikes and lactic acid. It's not as twisted as it sounds.

I'm excited. The season has been opened pretty well. I opened up my season with an 800m down in UCSD in a 1:56, going 56-60 or thereabouts. The thing is, I can't run a 400m (even on a split) under 53 seconds, even after 3 attempts at the 4x4, which shows me how strong I am compared to just how physically slow I also am raw-speed wise. I got dusted by a few guys on my team, but that's okay. They're talented and all ran great.

The more-important indicator that I wanted this race to show me was how I could do in a 1200m. 1200m? Yes, 1200m.

We tried to break the school record in the DMR (distance medley relay) yesterday, but I'll get to that in a moment. Last year at UCSD, I ran the 800m in 1:59 coming off of 8+ months of pure base work, and could barely scratch an abysmal 54.9 in the 4x4. It turned out that the 'natural' speed I had just assumed I had, I did not have. Oops. However, I was able to run a 3:09.0 in the 1200m the previous, which isn't necessarily all that bad.

This year, going 1:56 and cutting a faster-yet-still-quite-slow 53.low in the 4x4 shows my I have that anaerobic strength to really get after it in the 1200m/1500m. I may not be able to run very fast, but I can hold it.

Cut to yesterday. I'm on the 1200m let of our DMR, trying to break the school record of 10:14. As the opening leg, I put immense pressure on myself to get our relay out to a good start. To set the tone for the rest of the relay. I just couldn't get it out of my head all week. The relay record as it stands has a 4:11 anchor, so we needed to get our miler, Bennett, as much of a cushion as possible. I had to run fast, there was no way around it. I had to. I just had to.

I wanted to go out in 61 and then 2:03, thinking that no matter what, I would have at least a 63 in the tank to bring it home. When I ran 3:54 last year, I was pretty tired going into the last lap but still managed a 62.mid.

The race being at 1:40pm, I woke up at 8:00am to do a shakeout and get the blood flowing. The thing is, that only took 20-25min. Now its a few minutes past 8:30am and I'm sitting in my apartment trying not to tremble with nervous anxiety.

People will tell you that the pain of losing or the physical pain of just running is the worst part of track. But they're wrong. It's the waiting. It's the sitting for hours on end, not being able to focus on anything because of the race coming up, trying not to sit for too long because you'll get tight. But not wanting to stand too long because you'll get tired. Wanting to distract yourself but not by doing anything that involves significant movement. Then realizing it's only been 6 minutes. I think the worst way to die would be in the middle of waiting for a race. I feel like the combined stimulus of whatever the fuck is killing me and the anxiety I already felt would give me a heart attack.

My spikes are on and I'm taking the last of my strides. I feel my hand shake with the baton slapping nervously against my leg, but I hardly feel it. I cough and do a dry heave. Holy shit, don't throw up now or else you're really fucked. Calm down. Now. calm down now.

When the gun goes off someone from USC takes it out, followed by a Westmont guy and my first few steps allow my to cut right behind them. After satisfying myself around the first turn that the pace is sufficiently to my liking, I just sit and trot along, coming through the 400m in 61s. Perfect.

Westmont is slowing, the USC guy is pulling away a bit. Cut around him on the back. Okay sit here. Wait, this guy is slowing down too. Come on man, keep it up. Dont pass on the turn, its windy...use it on the straight...okay...okay...go. Time to go.

Coming toward the 800m mark my eyes are fixed on the clock as I try to slowly take the pace down. 2:04.mid. Around with 300m to go and I open up, but I can't shake the USC guy. We're really moving, and with a burst of speed he re-takes the lead with 200m to go and immediately opens up a 5m gap. I counter, but can't catch him. He stays there, 5m ahead of me, all the way in. Hand off to big jeff right on 3:05, would've been a 3:04 had I just run straight through the line.

Jeff destroys the USC kid, running 48.0. Gives it to little Jeff, who runs alone for the first lap, gets pulled back in by USC, but then subsequently blows him out of the water around the final bend to run 1:54.0. Two phenomenal runs. Bennett barely has to run under 4:30 to get the record. He clips off alone to run 4:18/19. 10:06.

I think the record will be there for a long time. It's rare in DIII to get guys to do something like this at this point in the season, and we never run a DMR after this week (week 4?). It's something I think we can be proud of, and will always be one of my favorite memories running for CMS, a program that has given me as much as I could possibly ask for.

Glowing nostalgia aside, the implications of this race are pretty awesome. One of the reasons why I was so nervous was more than the sought after record.

The last 3 years, I have run my 1500m PR going through 1200m about 1.5s faster than I ran the 1200m at this point. I.E., freshman year I ran 3:14 (65 pace), and went through in 3:13 to run 4:02 (64.5 pace). Sophomore year I ran 3:12 (64 pace), and went through 1200m in 3:12 but ran 3:59 (63.5 pace). Junior year I ran 3:09 (63 pace), and went through 1200m in 3:07.5 to run 3:54 (62.5 pace). This year I run 3:05 (61.6 pace).....so can I go through in 3:03.5 (61.1 pace)? That would put me at a 3:49, which would most definitely make nationals and have a good shot at being All-American.

While no metric is perfect, this one has been very consistent in years of less-than-consistent running. I just hope that it's consistent this time as well. If it's not, then let's hope it's just because I run faster.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Untitled

Studying hours on hours for finals. 3:30. Going to get dark soon, should do my run now.

What is my run? 10 hard. Fuck I hate these. Grab wet shoes. Do the easiest 10 mile loop I know. 58:08. Felt like shit. Time is shit. Fuck I hate those.

Back in apartment. Laying face down on floor due to exhaustion. I really should vacuum this floor. Laugh at absurdity.

Get up, eat apple sauce for post workout glucose. Shower. Back to studying.

Elapsed time: 80 minutes.

Friday, December 14, 2012

XC Season and Moving On

I guess that not writing a post since I ended my summer training tells you how my XC season went.

But just in case let's break the suspense -- it went pretty shitty.

At the end of track (two posts ago), my coach and I came to a consensus that I tired myself out with new over-distance work and that the long fatigue + no speed work hurt my track season.

So, the plan this summer was to back off the miles a bit and do a little more quality to maintain house, but not too much to make me tired. "Let the work come build itself" was the final word on the issue.

So that's what I did, and I came into the season out of racing shape. Well, I shouldn't say that. I ran okay throughout the season. High-25's to mid-26's consistently. I had developed strength so that instead of popping one fast time off now and then, I could consistently run pretty well day in and day out.

But I hadn't given myself room to grow with my summer training like I had in years previously, and I missed a glorious opportunity to help my team to the next level, but they got there anyway, because they're the shit and stepped up when the time called for it.

I'm not really that mad about the way the season ended. I was at our conference championships and stepped in a hole, over-extended my heel, and strained my achilles around the 2mile mark. I'm not really that mad that this happened at the perfectly wrong part of the season, so that this little injury put me out for 2 weeks, and that I could only start training again the week of nationals, which coach decided (and I agree with him) that I wouldn't be ready in time to race on the national level as I had been on the cusp of our varsity team all season. I'm not really mad about all that unfortunate-ness.

I'm mad that the reason that happened is that I was already so tired at 2 miles trying to hang on to the top group that I couldn't pay enough fucking attention to see a hole and avoid it. That I had to, again, fight to stay on varsity for XC. That in every season that I've ever run, I've ran an absolute PR in nearly every event I do, and this season I didn't. That I was just weak. I didn't feel strong running any XC race this season except pre-nationals, which we won (it was really awesome), and even then I ran a mediocre time.

The team went on to NCAAs to get 11th, our best finish in school history with a stellar team SO close to 10th, but that's the impetus for the young guys I suppose. It should be, they have the talent but we'll see if they have the drive.

I don't think I overdid miles leading up to last track season, I think I handled it well actually. I'm pretty confident now that it was just a speed work issue. It has always taken me a pretty long time to get my speed under me, but when I do, I really do.

So, I cast that season aside and pulled out a fresh pad of paper, torn from yellow standard to write what is to be my optimal base phase work routine. I really really like it, and in this - my 8th year running competitively, I think it finally hits all my weaknesses perfectly.

Here it is:

Day 1 - off

Day 2 - AM 4ish mile tempo. Usually pretty flat and ~5:15/5:20 pace. Tough but not too hard. ~6 all
             told.
             PM Base. 7-8 miles

Day 3 - Base (recovery): 8-10 miles

Day 4 - Short Long run: 11-12 miles

Day 5 - AM speed (30s 200s w/ 1min rest, 45s 300s w/ 2min rest, or 60s 400s w/ 3min rest) building
             up to 400s after a few of these cycles. About 4 miles all told. +Plyos
             PM Base. 7-8 miles

Day 6 - Base (recovery) 8-10 miles

Day 7 - Base +Plyos. 8-10 miles

Day 8 - 10hard. Long tempo. Usually ~5:45-5:50 pace unless I feel pretty good or pretty shitty. Goal is to run in the 57's comfortably. I'm not too far away from that.

Day 9 - Base +Plyos. 8-10 miles

Day 10 - Long run. 13-15 miles

----

Why a 10 day cycle? Because it makes sense. 7 days it too short to get everything in there with the proper amount of rest to really get at the workouts. So we just kept adding days until the cycle ended, which was 10 days. It's a nice round number, so fuck it.

The plyos are a combination of power drills (jumps, hops, burpies, etc) and core work. There are 2 different sets that work different shit.

I've been on this for a few cycles now and I really like it. When I really get into ACTUALLY doing my 2nd runs instead of just making the cool downs a little long.....(hey, school is hard this time of year) then I'll really see the benefits.

I have strength, now I need to turn it into power. I don't want to come into this year running 4:00 with room to grow. I want to come in running 3:55 with room to grow. Going for broke. Do I want to be able to run 3:50 and go to nationals? Absolutely. But I also want to be able to close out a 3:56/7 race in 55 if I have to.

Hey, if I felt flat speed-wise running 4:00 closing in 59/60, when I'm strong and sharp....

I dont think it's out of the question. I guess I'll find out.

I'm gearing up for the end of running for a team and teammates and legacy and with a true, close-by support system. How I do here will give me an indication of what I can do beyond college out in the big bad world all my myself, and I'm pretty fucking excited.

Tip: Always stay pretty fucking excited.