Finals, 3rd Act.

Okay, NOW I'm nervous.

I don't know how the race will go, and it's unsettling.

I can win. I know I can win.

I don't really have much to say, it was a pretty uneventful final. Someone who had no business leading the race at all took it out in 62, and the field quickly strung out. My teammate Bennett, who had the fastest seed time by miles coming into the race, follows him. I try to go with the move but I'm boxed. By the time I'm out, he's far far around the bend.

It's alright, we're only 600m into the race. Lots of running to go.

Bennet extends his lead through 800m, as I lead the chase pack around the original leader, fighting the harsh winds on the backstretch. I'm more tired than I think.

Coming around with one lap to go, Bennett is way out in front, and I'm leading the chase pack that has been whittled down to 3 men. Having run the steeplechase the night before, I can see Bennett tying up. I start to move. I don't care about the two men hanging on my back.

I'm desperately closing the gap, step by step. Coming around the final bend I'm still over one second back. Yards closing between us become feet, then inches. I'm tying up. With 50m to go I realize that I'm not going to catch him. The two men following me are still on my shoulder, having matched every step thus far. Don't you fucking lose this spot.

I hold on for second. Freshman year, 5th. Last year, 3rd. This year, 2nd. But that doesn't tell the whole story. This year was far weaker. I ran slower than last year. I ran pretty similar to Freshman year. Prelims can explain some of that, but I wasn't really 'springy' for this race. I was right to worry, my speed hasn't come around like I'd like it too.

 I don't know if these last few weeks will see my months of toil pay off, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried. Maybe I'll try the 5k. We'll see. I have to do SOMETHING with this strength.

Prelims, year 3

I'm not even nervous at the line. Not even a little bit.

I know I should be, because you never know what's going to happen, but I'm just...not.

I don't think there's any way that I don't make the final. I expect it not to hurt, which is stupid. Unless you're world class, running in high 4:0x range isn't a cakewalk. It can sting.

68, 70. We're walking, which is dangerous.

You never know who can be there on a kick. Someone takes it hard with 500m to go. Fine, let him go. Top 4 make the final and I don't need to run a 60.

3 follow him. Damn, maybe I do need to go.

Cutting around the turn we really are moving. I'm trying to relax in 4th, but there are two on my shoulder. Kicking around the final bend, we finish up right at 4:10, with a 59/60 last lap. Yes, that stung. More importantly, I hope my foot holds up. Plantar fascistic has been biting for over a week now.

Tomorrow, Finals.

Stagnation

I don't really understand what's wrong with me. I opened the season in 4:00 and it looked promising, but I'm still running 4:00 and we're two weeks away from conference finals.

I'm definitely fitter, my workouts have been faster, and running 64s in a race have felt super easy as opposed to hard, but when the running really starts I don't have anything. Today, I felt like I was on cruise control through 800m. I took over at 600, feeling fine. A couple guys went around me with 400m to go and I was in perfect position...but nothing clicked. I went from jogging to tying up without anything in between.

Every 4:00 has felt easier and easier, and this one was at 11am so maybe that had something to do with it, but fuck this is getting really annoying. I feel like I should be running 3:54 or thereabouts, this is ridiculous.

I'm hoping in the small amount of time I have left that I'll bust a fast time, but I'm running out of races. I don't know if it's my speed or anaerobic threshold or what, but this season is not turning out like I had thought it would at the start.

There's still salvaging time, but not a whole lot. We'll see. God willing, I can pull off a conference title in the 1500. That's still definitely in the cards.

Nerves

Before my race this weekend, my body was periodically shot with nervous adrenaline as it is before every race.

Thinking about it, what am I nervous about? I feel almost sick. I've had races where I've been FAR too nervous, and it has affected me. After this long, I've gotten pretty good at keeping the nerves at the right level.

But, again, what are the nerves signifying?

It may seem obvious to some, but I had an epiphany of sorts on my warm up. I'm not afraid of the other runners, I'm not afraid I'll let my teammates down, I'm not afraid I'll embarrass myself out there. No, if those things affected me, I wouldn't be where I am.

I'm really afraid of myself.

That after the race, I'll see my time, and it wont be good enough. What if my best just...isn't good enough? It's something I can't accept. I guess that's why I train. Hard.

I didn't have the best race this weekend. I ran a stupid tactical race, making 2 big surges to put myself into position, and when the running started with 300m to go I got left behind, barely dipping under 4:00. I was boxed in, going through 800m just under 2:10. AGAIN.

I digress. What I'm really afraid of is hitting the race perfectly, not making any errors, running as hard as I can...and running a slow time.

I feel as if every race, I am afraid I am not as fit as I think I am, and race to prove that I am every bit as fit as I hope to be.

I still haven't found that race, every one thus far has been a kickers duel (or I was horribly sick). Maybe next week.