Nerves

Before my race this weekend, my body was periodically shot with nervous adrenaline as it is before every race.

Thinking about it, what am I nervous about? I feel almost sick. I've had races where I've been FAR too nervous, and it has affected me. After this long, I've gotten pretty good at keeping the nerves at the right level.

But, again, what are the nerves signifying?

It may seem obvious to some, but I had an epiphany of sorts on my warm up. I'm not afraid of the other runners, I'm not afraid I'll let my teammates down, I'm not afraid I'll embarrass myself out there. No, if those things affected me, I wouldn't be where I am.

I'm really afraid of myself.

That after the race, I'll see my time, and it wont be good enough. What if my best just...isn't good enough? It's something I can't accept. I guess that's why I train. Hard.

I didn't have the best race this weekend. I ran a stupid tactical race, making 2 big surges to put myself into position, and when the running started with 300m to go I got left behind, barely dipping under 4:00. I was boxed in, going through 800m just under 2:10. AGAIN.

I digress. What I'm really afraid of is hitting the race perfectly, not making any errors, running as hard as I can...and running a slow time.

I feel as if every race, I am afraid I am not as fit as I think I am, and race to prove that I am every bit as fit as I hope to be.

I still haven't found that race, every one thus far has been a kickers duel (or I was horribly sick). Maybe next week.

Remembering Sickness

Well, that went poorly.

I've been sick for two weeks now, and I've been trying to tell myself that I would be fine before this weekend. I warmed up coughing, I did strides coughing, and I was coughing 10 seconds before the gun went off.

Ya, I'll totally be fine.

The elite field assembled before me was hard enough without my sickness, and it was just embarrassing with it. As the gun went off the pack started jogging, as elite fields are want to do. I took the lead and went through with pedestrian splits of 63/2:07.


I felt awful. My body was shutting down after 200m and I was fighting every step of the way. I'm upset that the race went as poorly as it did, not because of any poor tactical error on my part but simply because I couldn't fucking breathe out there.

I'm upset that I waited so long for this opportunity and a few fucking bacteria made me run 4:21 (4:03 1500) in a race that was won in 4:10 (4:52 1500). I wanted to go to everyone running and watching after the race and say "guys guys, I was sick. I'm not really that bad."

But I cant.

I also cant be a whiney little bitch about it. It's done, in the past, and I have these hopefully-fantastic antibotics to help me get well. They're having SOME sort of effect, my heads a little wonked out as I write this.

Do your stuff azithromycin. Get me better so I can run like I know I can.

6 Months Waiting

Coming through in 66 for the first 400m of our quad meet 1500m, I feel like shit.

Just stay here and cover moves I think to myself as I sit in 3rd.

2:14. Feels fast and I'm worried. It shouldn't feel fast.

500m to go pace heats up, and with just over 400m to go it drops like a rock. I think we pass the 1200m mark in 3:16.

Way off 1st, in 2nd with 3rd on my shoulder. Somehow I run down the leader to win, 4:00.

I was tired, it hurt, it felt too hard for the opening pace, the splits were everywhere, but dammit I won.


That was 2 weeks ago. We get 3 or 4 chances to run a real fast time in a season, and tonight is one of them. Oxy distance carnival is one of the best meets, because its, well, all distance. It's at night, so it's perfect distance running weather here on the outskirts of LA.

Since that race a couple weeks ago, my speed has slowly come around. We didn't have a workout last week and we just hammered workouts. Kenyon runs, 12x400 with 1min rest in 63-64, a few 400s in 54, a race simulator of 150s, 400s, and 200s all smashed together.

It was a rough week, but this lazy spring break week leading up to tonight has been very easy.

And I'm very nervous.

It's the first chance to run a great time, and I've been thinking about it for 6 months. At least. Without cross country (because I was abroad in the fall), there was no other races to focus on. Just thousands of lonely miles thinking about races to come. Like this. Like tonight.

My seed time is faster than I have ever run by 4 seconds, and it's basically the last seed in the fastest heat. Oh, a couple sub4 milers and a World Championship qualifying 800m guy? 2 more DII All-Americans also? Why not.

It doesn't really matter, I'll go out and hold on for dear life.

I AM nervous though.

Really nervous.

I don't know what I'm capable of running, but I hope it's fast enough. I'm seeded to run a 3:54 (~4:11/4:12 mile equivalent).

Let's try to run that, shall we?

The early ups and downs

With 120m to go in an 800m, I sit in 3rd and I just can't go any faster.

This is ridiculous I'm not tired I just cant move my legs. Move MOVE...

nothing happens. Oh well, it's the second week of February and my speed is nowhere to be found. I run 1:59, a time slower than Freshman year, but one that I am far more at peace with than 2 years ago. I remember running 1:58 flat and throwing a shit fit.

The circumstances are different. Then, I had been doing speed leading into the season. Probably too early. Actually, definitely too early.

Now, I have been doing nothing but my staple 10 mile base runs, 4 mile tempos, 10 mile tempos, and 14-15 mile long runs for 8 months leading into the season. The last time I ran a lap as fast as both of my laps in the 800m was about 9 months ago.

Skip to Tuesday's track workout

Last rep. 350m, go through 200m just under 29 and hold it. Last rep

As we take off my left calf is sore, but that's to be expected, it's been sore since I got back. No speed in my legs.

Pump and stay light, just another worko-FUCKFUCK

It feels like something clamps on my calf and I just hit the ground. Strained it.

Luckily I'm only out 10 days, and swimming is an old friend (or foe, depending on the day) of mine so I should be alright. Should be.

I just finished up a light weight session, 6 days after I strained it and it feels pretty good actually. With any luck, I'll be able to do Thursdays workout (or part of it) and possibly race this weekend. Possibly.

Injuries are a part of running. In the training room, I had a Freshman teammate ask me if I was freaking out because of the time I was missing.

And you know what, 2 years ago I totally would be. But I just had the best training of my life, and 10 days isn't going to do anything to derail that. I AM getting a little worried that my speed won't be there until very late in the season, but that's to be expected.

I think I'll lay off the hills for a month, it definitely played into why my calf busted.

Patience is infuriating at first, but eventually you get used to it. I've waited a year, I can wait 10 days.

Back on Track

Alright, lets get to it.

The training paid off.

8 months of shit I just hated doing - 4 & 10 mile tempos, mile repeats, averaging 65-75 mile weeks in singles, 14-15 mile long runs, all that shit.

Totally paid off.

I was hesitant to post how my progress was going because I was sick the end half of December and the first week of January, and coming back to school we didn't do much to start out aside from what I had been doing (as coach said, NCAAs was 5 months and a week away from the day we got back), so there wasn't anything to say.

California is really nice? I love being back on campus with all my friends?


But, alas, this a running blog. And running was pretty standard (but seriously though, SoCal is fucking nice to train in).

The goal for the season is NCAAs in the 1500m. They changed the 'standards' to make them the Top20 times instead of any sort of mark, so there you go. To make it, just be in the Top 20 in the country.

Let's begin.

We had a rust-busting alumni meet where I ran a solid 900m-ish grass loop, but can't really indicate track fitness.

My REAL opener was at Azuza Pacific last weekend opening up the 1200m leg of the DMR.

I didn't really know what I was capable of, but I thought 3:06 was in the cards if I played it right. I didn't know who else would be there, and based on previous years and times I was guessing I would time trial.

I was wrong, but gratefully so.

The gun went, and I slipped in behind a BIOLA (Bible Institute Of Los Angeles) kid as he took the first 100m out hard

[Side note: I'm Jewish. Bible Institute? #LetsGoJews]

I haven't been acclimated to pace just yet, and I thought we were going out slow, and I was antsy

Go around him, no your stride is light just sit what are we at? 60...61...62..oh thats perfect 62 low just sit just sit

It was just so smooth. We passed the 500m mark and I could feel him slowing down and I tried to go around

Eyes flick back in anger, pace picks up. He wants to fight this out. I'll fight this out

He leads through 800m but considerably slower

2:04...2:05...2:06...2..

We pass in 2:06.high and I just wait around the turn and shift gears with 300m to go and walk away from everyone.

Coming around the turn I just drive

Fuck, I love this shit

Hand off for a 3:08. Not bad, last 300m of 44/45.

That was Saturday.

On Tuesday, I ran a 4.34 mile TT loop that the team has been running since the '80s in 22:46, the #10 time ever on the team. Just out there cruising.

So, ya. I'm in shape.

Am I in shape to run 3:50?

Not yet.

Will I be?

I'm starting to turn from believing I can to knowing I can.

Lesson 6: Dealing with it.

Everyone has their own strategy for dealing with pain. Not The Pain, but pain in an immediate sense. Pain in a 3rd-lap-of-the-mile sense.

Everyone has their own way to deal with it. To focus your entire entity on forgetting how much you hurt in that moment.

Now, there are common ways people cope. Archetypes of coping, you could call them

1 LAP GIVE ME 1 LAP

Just 2 more minutes, please just two more minutes

Don't let him go. Don't you let him go. HANG ON

For your TEAMMATES, for your COACH, DO IT FOR THEM

I've tried all of these. They've all worked to various degrees. At least, enough to give me moderate success in the sport.

But for me, there's another way. One a little more cruel.

All of the foregoing ways to deal with the immediacy of pain assume that the pain will end if you just stick with it to the finish line. Just put yourself through it now, and when it's over you'll be better for it.

My high school often quoted the famous running motto - Pain is temporary, pride is forever

But I think the best way is to do the opposite.


I run as if the pain will never end.


Put a time goal down, and start running it. I'm going to run 5:48s for these 10 miles.

As the miles peel away, I make sure I am on pace. I give myself a little buffer, running a few 5:43-5:45s to give myself a few seconds if I slip up in future miles.

But mentally, I don't count mile 4 as being 6 miles from the finish, or even mile 9 as being 1 mile from the finish. I have before, and I've crumbled that way. Focusing on the end only reminds me how far I am from it.

I've come to assume that the run won't end, so when it does I'm pleasantly surprised while still not drained mentally from focusing on the end point.

These mental games have developed over the past 7 months as I've been running alone in the night, 90% of my runs lighted only by streetlamps and the soft glint of the moon.

When you can't physically see the endpoint, eventually it fades away mentally as well. And then you're in the moment, just running to run.

Why focus on the pain if it's going to be there forever? Might as well get used to it. Make it friendly.

I told you it was a bit cruel.

Adaption

I don't remember the last time I ran under 10 miles.


Well, let me qualify that. I've done workouts and tempo runs that have been shorter, obviously. But I haven't done a base run under 10 miles in god knows how long.

I remember doing 7mile runs with a teammate then tacking on a 2 mile loop at the end the rare times we ran together in DC.

But I'm back home in Seattle now for the next few weeks, and it looks like my winter holds many 64min runs in store before I head down to SoCal (For some reason, all of the 10 milers here have taken 64min & change).

I'm confident in my strength, I'm just going on 7months of training completely alone (save a few key workouts with a group in DC I'd meet with for workouts every other week), and that plays tricks on you.

I hit mile 6 on a hard 10miler. 5:41. I laugh as the thought occurs to me that all of this is to beat 2 athletes who finished ahead of me in conference last year. Fuck it, if I can run 3:50, then they're going to have to run 3:49 to beat me. And I don't think they can run 3:49.

The only break in my extended base monotony has been harder 10 mile runs (exciting, I know), 4 mile tempos, and the occasional ladder track workout.

There's nothing I want more right now than to lace up my spikes and get after track season. But, wiser heads always prevail and when talking to my coach, he reminded me that I still have 5 months until NCAAs.

sigh, A couple more months of this. It better pay off, this over-distance shit is fucking hard.

Who knew that the way to get better at distance running was by running longer distances?? Someone should have warned me when I was 16. But after that first time under 4:40, I was hooked.

And here I am, almost 5 years later. I wonder what I would say to myself on that cold day I shocked myself and ran 4:38.

Probably to quit.

But more likely, to train harder. I'm a bit of a sadist.